The Secrets I Bear
by ChibiLovett
Summary: Moxxi has a nasty history with Motor Momma that still haunts her to this day, mostly through terrible nightmares that only make it even worse. She involuntarily revisits one of her most painful memories while asleep and finally opens up about them to Lilith. Moxxi/Lilith. Femmeslash. Rated T for violence, gore, and slight innuendo.


_A look in the mirror_  
_I see my face._  
_Is it... is it really me?_  
_Is this who I wanted to be?_  
_Tear swollen eyes,_  
_My make-up smudged._

_I´m so sorry for showing my tears tonight._  
_I was a great actor for years._

_Always pretending to be strong._  
_Hiding my grief deep inside._  
_Please, don´t come near_  
_And don´t look at me._  
_´Cause no-one should see_  
_The secrets I bear._

_I´m so sorry, you saw me so weak tonight_  
_But I can´t fight back my tears.  
~ "Reflection" by Persephone  
_

* * *

Moxxi was lying on a couch, messing around on the echonet. She heard a noise and looked down at the coffee table in front of her to see a plate sat down on it. She looked up at the woman that brought it and smiled nervously, slightly confused since she'd never brought her home cooked food like that before. "Thanks, sugar, but what is it?"

The woman, her current lover, was a large woman, dressed mostly in blue and grey, and she went by the name "Motor Momma". She spoke in a Southern acccent with a sweet-sounding voice that belied her true nature and hefty physique. "Just a little somethin' I threw together. Try it! I just KNOW you'll love it." She grinned. "I know I did."

Moxxi put on a slight nervous smile, set the plate on her lap, and reluctantly choked down a bite of it. It wasn't terrible, but different, yet vaguely familiar. It had a slight pork flavor, but not entirely. There was definitely something else to it, something that she had never tasted before. "It tastes like...I'm not even sure. Seriously, what is it?"

"Leftovers."

Moxxi was getting a little annoyed. "Leftovers of what?"

"Does it matter? You looked like you did like it, so just finish up. Get a little meat on those bones!" Momma chuckled.

Moxxi gave the forced smile again, not exactly wanting to add anymore meat to her bones. She liked how she was: with her "meat" in all the right places. Nevertheless, she didn't want to be rude, and ate as much of it as she could, which was about half since she had an appetite appropriate for her size. Meanwhile, Motor Momma had taken a seat next to her and started kissing her cheek and down to her neck. Moxxi giggled, and playfully shoved her away. "Oh stop it! I'm eating, and it's not you...at least not yet." She winked and grinned.

Momma grinned as well, partially because of a little inside joke with herself about what Moxxi actually was eating. Once Moxxi was finished, she offered the rest to Momma, who gladly finished it off for her. Moxxi then stood up and sashayed across the room, then turned once she reached the doorway to Momma, looking disgusted. "Oh, god, what is that smell?"

"Probably from where I got your food from."

"It smells like rotting meat! Don't tell me you fed me rancid meat."

"No. I froze it. I just haven't gotten rid of the carcus yet."

Moxxi left to look around for it, partially out of morbid curiosity, and partially so that she could get rid of it. She followed the foul stench and it eventually lead her to a small store room. She held her breath, braced herself, and opened the door. Once she saw the source, the breath immediately left her lungs as she felt like she had just been sucker punched in the stomach. It wasn't an animal of any sort, but a girl...or what was left of one anyways. The face, however, was untouched, and just had a few bugs burrowing in it, and she immediately recognized it as her previous girlfriend, who she had still been on friendly terms with. The rest of her body, however, had the flesh and meat crudely ripped, sliced, and cut from the bones. The hair was cut unevenly short and her eyes were open in a look of permanent terror. Then she remembered what Momma said before she left the room and instantly felt sick. She clapped her hand over her mouth as her meal threatened to come back up. After a few moments of dry heaving, it finally did. Then, it did again, and again. She just hoped all of what she ate came out with it.

"Oh you found her! Yeahhhh...I've been meaning to get rid of her, but couldn't be bothered with it yet."

Moxxi was leaning against the wall and fighting back more threatening to come up. "How could you do that?!"

"What? I eat people flesh all the time. It's yummy!"

"I don't, and besides that, Angela is my ex and still my friend! You knew that!"

Momma acted as if she were really clueless, but it was obviously a farce. "Oh really? I had no idea." She grinned. "But she sure was tasty, wasn't she? You sure seemed to enjoy her."

Moxxi vomited again from the very thought. "That's it. We're through." She pointed to the exit. "Get...the hell...OUT!"

Motor Momma looked legitimately surprised that Moxxi reacted how she did. "Wh...what? You're breaking up with me?"

"Yes! Now get out before I sic the Underdome hoards on you!"

"Go ahead and try! I'll slaughter 'em all!" Motor Momma was clearly angry.

"Just GO!"

"Go? GO?! I got rid of some dumbass ex of yours and then gave you great food and you're both kicking me out AND breaking up with me?!" Momma grabbed Moxxi roughly by the arms and lifted her up as if she were light as a twig. Moxxi stared up at her with terrified eyes, beginning to regret doing that. "Nobody does that to Motor Momma! NOBODY!" She opened her mouth wide, then bit down hard on Moxxi's shoulder, easily breaking her delicate skin.

Moxxi cried out in pain and Momma yanked her teeth back, taking some of her skin with them. "Stop it! Let me go, you bitch!"

Motor Momma totally ignored her pleas (and insults) and bit down on her neck. Moxxi froze and went wide-eyed, knowing all too well that this one could kill her. Momma pulled back again and a chunk of Moxxi's neck came with it. Tears flowed from Moxxi's eyes and she winced as Momma took another bite out of her thin, little neck. This time she felt things starting to fade out. She felt herself weakening. Everything was darkening and, soon, was all black.

* * *

Moxxi shot up in bed, awaking suddenly from the usual nightmare about that night. She felt the wet trails on her cheeks from the tears that were falling and quickly wiped away any that were still trying to fall, though it was a futile effort as they were just replaced by more. She was drenched with sweat and her breathing was heavy, but not for the reason it usually was when she had those specific things while in bed with Lilith.

Lilith was awoken by the sudden movement and slight noise. She began to stir and looked up at Moxxi, then quickly sat up after seeing how upset she clearly was. The woman may let down some of her walls around Lilith, but she had never let down this many, though it seemed more like they were probably knocked down for her by something or other. She wiped away a tear that was falling, then cupped the same cheek. "What's wrong?"

Moxxi pulled away from Lilith's hand and turned away, her feet now dangling over the edge of the bed. "Nothing. I just...uh...forgot to wash all of my makeup off and it got in my eye."

"You're lying." Lilith moved to sit next to her. "Come on, would you tell me? You'll never feel any better if you just bottle it up until it explodes like this."

Moxxi looked away, still trying to hide her obvious tears. When Lilith tried to touch her shoulder to comfort her, she cringed and bolted to the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. She set her hands on the counter and leaned on her arms, then looked up into the mirror. She wasn't entirely lying as she had been so tired when they went to bed that she didn't wash her makeup off. Now it was smearing all over her face and her hands had been painted grey from wiping away her tears. Images from the nightmare, memories from her very real past (all but the last part), began to flash in her mind. Eating that putrid meat. That horrible smell. Angela's body and terrified expression. She vomited into the sink just from the mere memories of them, then turned on the faucet to wash it down. (Luckily she hadn't eaten for a while.)

There was a knock on the door, and Lilith's voice followed. "Moxxi? Are you okay?" She knew it was a stupid question, but wasn't sure what else to say.

"Fine. Just fine." Her voice was shaky and almost squeaked.

"Can I come in?"

Moxxi looked in the mirror once more and saw the tears still falling. Her eyes had become bloodshot and the skin around them grew puffy. She had never wanted Lilith to see her like this. Hell, she didn't want ANYONE to see her like this: ugly from weakness.

"Hello?"

Lilith was obviously worried about her, and knowing how stubborn she was, she likely wasn't going to relent. "Go ahead."

Lilith slowly opened the door and looked in on her girlfriend, then walked in. Though, after what happened on the bed, she didn't dare touch her yet. "Please talk to me. I just want to help you, but I can't if I don't know what's wrong."

Moxxi pursed her lips and her fingers clenched, clawing the counter as she dragged them in. She hadn't yet told anyone about this. She wasn't really the type to open up and show her emotions, and that was one of the most painful memories she had.

"Please." Lilith repeated, her eyes pleaded even more than her words.

Moxxi looked over at her, tears beginning to fill her eyes again. She'd dated plenty of people(including three husbands), but for the first time felt as if she could actually open up. Something about the look on Lilith's face, the worry clearly glistening in her eyes, made her melt. If her own unhappiness was affecting Lilith's happiness, then perhaps it might be necessary, that Lilith genuinely wanted to help and wasn't just being polite. Besides, it was becoming overwhelming keeping it locked up so tight. So, she figured she may as well come clean. "I, uh, well," she paused, figuring out how to best word it, and ending up going down the most obvious route, "I ate my girlfriend."

Lilith looked slightly confused. "But...isn't that a good thing? I mean, just yesterday-"

Moxxi quickly cut her off. Normally she would be the first to make a double entendre out of something so perfect, but her stomach was churning already. "No. No. I don't mean metaphorically."

Lilith was definitely surprised, and had no idea how to react. "You mean...you ate her...as in cannibalism?" Moxxi nodded, and Lilith took a nervous step back. "A little more explanation, please?"

Moxxi sighed. "Another ex of mine, called herself Motor Momma, was actually a cannibal, but I didn't know until then. She brought out this meal, which was weird by itself since I never saw her cook, but it had meat that smelled like something I had never smelled before. She convinced me to eat it. Later I got a whiff of this...horrible, rotten stench and she said it was probably from where she got the...meat. I opened this closet where it smelled the strongest and saw..." tears began to fill her eyes again and her breathing sped up and became slightly heavier.

Lilith wrapped her in a warm embrace and and spoke kindly as Moxxi began to break down again. "Ssh. It's okay. That sounds...horrible, but it's over now."

Moxxi spoke in between sobs and exasperated breaths. "She was...her flesh was...it was all gone...and I ate it."

"You didn't know. It wasn't your fault." Her words didn't seem to help, at least not yet. Still, she had to try. Hopefully they would have some effect soon. "It's in the past. You didn't mean to do it. If she was alive, I doubt she'd blame you."

Eventually, after a while of staying exactly how they were and basking in the warm comfort of Lilith's embrace, Moxxi calmed down at least enough to speak coherently. "I know. She was too kind. She was still a close friend, and I still loved her as one. I just...I can't believe that I..." She buried her face in Lilith's shoulder, unable to say what she had done another time. Her stomach was already churning again.

"Motor Momma tricked you and, honestly, I hope she gets what's coming to her. I know she definitely will if I ever see her."

Moxxi smiled just slightly. That was one of the things she loved about being with Lilith. She always felt protected, no matter what. It's not that she couldn't handle herself because she absolutely could. It was just nice to know that Lilith would always be there to back her up and catch her if she fell. It was nice to know that she didn't always have to be so strong (even if she tried to be anyways because her stubbornness and pride would win out), even if it was only when they were alone together.

"You sound like you've calmed down a bit. Do you want to lay back down?"

The older woman was quiet for a few moments, then raised her head and looked at Lilith. "How do you do that?"

Lilith looked slightly confused. That was an odd question to ask. "You mean...how do you lay down?"

"No. I'm not Brick. How do you make me feel so much better, even if the problem has absolutely nothing to do with you?" She lifted her hand to cup Lilith's cheek. "No one has ever been able to make me feel so much better by doing nothing but talking to me and holding me."

Lilith smiled, happy that she had actually helped. Moxxi was the biggest wreck she had ever seen her be, and with very good reason. "Well, that I don't know, but I'm glad I can."

"Me too, sugar." Moxxi pushed herself in close to her lover and pressed her lips to hers in a suprisingly tame and sweet kiss. "Just promise me you'll kill Momma if you ever see her, alright?" She grinned playfully, though she was only partially joking.

"Of course. She deserves at least that for what she did to you."

Moxxi kissed her again. "Then let's try to get back to sleep."

Lilith smiled again and picked the brunette up wedding night style. She carried her over to the bed and laid her down in the same place she had been in before, then climbed in next to her. She kissed her cheek and Moxxi flipped onto her side, so she smiled at her.

Moxxi's lips reflected those of her lover. "Thank you."

"No problem at all." Lilith pulled the blanket up over them and her hand crept underneath it to grab Moxxi's.

Moxxi returned the gesture and closed her eyes, trying to focus on what was happening now rather than the haunting memories of her past, and for the first time, succeeding. She soon was able to surrender once more to sleep, though this time it was peaceful and uninterrupted, her dreams free of nightmares.


End file.
